She stands 5'5 with a whole lot of attitude. She doesn't stand down when some one challenges her beliefs, she's head strong and passionate, she knows what she wants and serves with everythings she's got.
I have loved getting to know this girl! I have loved seeing her grow, and getting to watch more of Rosie emerge, in my time here in GA. To see her faith in action, is amazing just in it's self. She walks by faith, not always knowing which way God will be leading her, but always keeps an open heart. I've seen her respond so well to things God has been speaking to her, and i admire how she always brings everything to prayer.
In all honesty i love seeing this child like faith she has. This innocence that exudes from her, she doesn't complicate her faith she keeps it plain and simple, sticking to the what she knows God is speaking to her heart at that time. She is always thirsting for more, and is ready to share the knowledge or revelation God has given her.
I love see her servant heart and the many ways she shows that in our community, from cleaning up after us roommates :), to making dinner for the 12 of us. Hospitality and acts of services is deffinatly her love language to us. And i know i love seeing that and recieving that.
Her passion for dancing is something else so beautiful to observer. It is a gift that God has given her to share with those around her. Showing His beauty in creation of the human body and how it can move to the rythm of our hearts and His passion for those to see how each of us expresses our love for Him. I have watched as Rosie has done dances and have sat in awe of her talent and just pure love that flows as she dances for Her King.
God has such great plans for her. He is goign to use this girl, this diamond in the rough. He is pressing her from all sides, and i watch as she continues to lean on Him for strength. For only under pressure is a dimond produced.
Rosie is Gods Jewel, His dimond that He is making, to show His glory in all her brillance, of passion, love, mercy, kindness,strength and understanding.
I am blessed to have her in my life, as a sister and friend. And i can't wait to watch and learn from her, God's Diamond in the rough.
We've all heard the phrase, "it's like a square peg trying to fit into a round hole."
Well...this is me. This is how i have felt here living in GA. I'm a Boston girl, independant, and head strong. I'm used to having it all together, not needing anyone. But in these past 6 months i have had all of this taken from me and have been taught so many lessons, and this has so been my season of refining fire, and meeting resistance head on.
It's gets tiring. There are times you just want to say enough is enough.
This season that God has me in is one of learning. I'm being taught alot about myself and also about others. I'm learning about obediance....even when you feel like you should just give up because you're the square peg trying to fit into that round hole.
I was overwhelmed by this feeling the other day while having a conversation with a roommate. I heard the defeated words come out, "i'm just a square peg trying to fit into a round hole." I saw my roommate nod, and I heard my voice begin to continue to agree with it.
That stuck with me for a few days. Again i was sitting in a meeting with my roomates and this thought crossed my mind again..."You're a square peg trying to fit into a round hole here...you should just go. You don't fit here."
But a quite voice spoke to the inner parts of my heart, "you may feel like a square peg trying to fit into a round hole, but I'm rounding off the edges."
Valentines Day, a day of love. A day in which we spend money on things we would normally never even think to spend money on, $12 for a single rose, $50 on chocolates....for what?...so someone "knows" you love them. I'm not trying to put down the holiday, i personally had a valentine who gave me the best Valentines Day ever. But when i really began to think about it, i realized it would of been wonderful had he not bought me the things he did, or brought me to the amazing restaurant that he had. And i "know" he loves me every day of the year. And he shows me that. But i realized last night (we had to do it a day early) that as we walked around ATL because the first part of the plans for the evening had "fallen through", i was loving the time i spent just holding his hand. Just being with him. Just being away from all the stress of work, and life. It was him and i and the city streets. My heart swelled with happiness of just being together, i didn't have to have some extravagant display.
I just thought in my time with David, as we looked at each other across the table last night and began to speak about what God was doing in us and how we saw Him working in each others lives and the things we admired and loved about each other, i thought why don't we do this more often! It took a day on the calendar for us to speak what was in our hearts. And then i thought, why am I only telling him?...shouldn't i be telling everyone, i mean everyone, in some way, how much i love them. Isn't this my job?...is this not my purpose in life. Does not every single person deserve a Valentines day...every day of the year. Someone to tell them they are loved, and admired. That being with them means so much, they mean so much.
This morning we went to Atlanta to do a outreach in a park where alot of homeless gather. We had made sandwiches and valentine cookies that were in bags with little valentine cards. No real money spent, just the essentials. We set up on a wall over looking tables where men had gathered to play chess. As we began to pass out the sandwhiches and goodies, i felt that swelling in my heart of happiness. I was able to in some way tell them they were loved. They were special, and i wanted to be their valentine, the one who took time out to show them they mattered. A couple times, when looking someone in the eye and giving them a sandwhich and saying Happy Valentines Day, the smile that lit up their face was beautiful, and my heart was over whelmed. Thats all they wanted.To feel cared about. As humans we are about relationships. We are about eachother. Love is so easy to give. There were a couple small girls there, and one of them ran up to me and threw up her arms with a big smile. She just wanted me to pick her up and hug her. She just wanted to be noticed and loved.
People are starving for it. People are starving for love. As Mother Teresa said, the greatest crime to see, is someone neglected and lonely. We were ment to be loved, we were built for it. We have the capasity to love and be loved. I know i ate up every word David gave me, i cherished the time i had when he held me hand. I know i eat up the time with God, when speaks to my heart, and tells me how He loves me. And i cherish His presence. I want others to know this feeling. To know that they can have a valentine 365 days a year. Should we not all strive to be someones Valentine every day?
"We are called to love the world. And God loved the world so much that he gave Jesus. Today He loves the world so much that He gives you and meto be His love, His compassion, and His presence, through a life of prayer, of sacrifice, of surrendure to God.The response that God asks of you is to be a contemplative."
Community, what is community?...this is a good question. A question i have yet to find a deffinat answer for. But from what I've learned from being here and living with 10 other people in my house for the past 5 months, I would say community is living together, completley sharing life together,the good, the bad, the ugly. And let me just just say we have all shown these sides.
Community is letting your pride fall, and your humility rise. It's learning to love when you don't always like, and to hold your toung when you want to be "straight up". It's taking your eyes off of you and placing them on people that make you angry, frustrated, and laugh till you hurt.
It's letting God hold up a mirror to you (which are these people) and let you see how you really are, and then allowing Him to use those in your community to help break you, and allow Him to rebuild you as you are ment to be.
Community is uncomfortable at times, and the reality is that in community you will learn that those you live with will fail you, and you will fail them. But together you are building eachother stronger for a greater purposes.
Well i'm back in GA after spending some much needed time with my family up in MA. After two feet of snow and temperatures of 20 degrees with wind chill factors in single digits, i was ready for the rainy, humid, 50 degree weather i came back to.
But i have to admit i came back with some thoughts and feelings of "is this where i'm supposed to be?" I know this sounds crazy, after being here for 4months, but as i was home i finaly was able to take myself away from the chaos. From the busyness that had just taken over. I realized that God is a God of order and simplicity. And my life here feels so far from it. I go 7 days a week, but by my own choice most of the time, hoping that i can do all that i need and want to do. I realized i was burning out fast. My attitude was changing, my view was changing and i was seeing myself become someone i didn't like.
I realize now that being here is where i need to be for this moment in life, it could change a couple months from now. But as much as i felt the uncertainty of coming back, God met me with the challenge to change, and stay. I realized i have to be able to find balance, and rest. If i'm going non stop how am i supposed to feel like i'm resting in God, really spending time with Him. And if i'm not spending this rest time in Him, then how can i be pouring out in Ministry's as well as in work and to my roommates.
My babies, or at least thats what i like to call them, are my 3rd,4th and 5th graders that i teach on Wednesday nights at Life Point Church. I became involved with Childrens Church here when i first arrived in GA, and my life has been changed with every beautifully chaotic moment ever since:)
These are my babies, the ones who i sit with in a classroom and hear their hearts and thoughts on life, and on God. I have never heard such child like faith. These kids come from some rough back grounds and yet i hear them say how they trust God for their strength. I have grown to love each one so deeply, they each have found a place in my heart. The first week i was teahcing my wednesday night study with them, and i had two of the little boys come up and ask me if they could have a bible. Me being the bright one, just responded, "you should ask mom and dad to buy you one." only to have the sobering response, "they don't have any money to." Instantly I just felt my heart break for these kids, they wanted to know more...they wanted a bible, i couldn't think of another child at the age of 8 that i had known who wanted one. when i gave them their bibles they looked at it like i just gave them a prized possesion, which i had, but to see the look and the smile melted my heart.
Well my sweet babies amazed me yet agian. I had been talking to them about the children around the world and how we could help them. How each of us can play a part. I wanted them to be made aware of other children around the world. I talked to them about Swaziland and the children there, and we began to talk about Christmas and how these children don't get to experience chritsmas like we do. We also talked about how we should be like Christ in everything we do, that God made us to love one another. And how God loved us so much He gave us the ultimate gift, His son. And how we can show others love through the giving of gifts. Well, my kiddos with out missing a beat came up with the idea to allow these Orphans in Africa a chance to know they were loved, and decided they would make them gifts and write them cards.
I was blown away by their ethusiasm, and their desire to make others know Gods love, and how their little hearts wanted to give something thet they had made special. They strung together beautiful beaded bracelets, taking care in the color patterns, the special charms, and the size. Some were for "boys"...some for "girls" and others were for "baby's". They wrote the most precious cards. Some were so empathetic, but in a not so tactful way:) One little girl wrote, "i am sorry that you don't get much food, or water. And you don't have have gifts, but i made this for you." love it.:) But one little girl Shanna blew me away by what she wrote,in all her 4th grade wisdom she wrote, "If you believe God everything will come together.Have your life filled with Jesus and he will never leave you!...You rock!" my girl wrote from the bottem of her heart something that not only did these swazi children need to hear but WE need to hear it.
This is why i love working with children. Especially this group, they speak the truth, from the mouth of babes comes His truth and His love. What better way to see Gods heart then to look at a child and listen to the simple words that hold so much. And my babies are reaching out in love to others, sharing their amazing child like faith. If only we all saw the world through the eyes of children, if we only loved as they loved, and spoke with the honesty and truth that they do. Maybe then we would experience the faith they have, and understand why it is by child like faith do you enter the kingdom. Lets face it children know more about love, then we do. And we can learn from these little hearts.
When i'm at the point of breaking, at the place where i resign. When I'm at the point of shaking my head, as i look back on my life. When I'm half way through the grieving, but not quite through the ache, when i can not see the ending, or which road i'm supposed to take. All i know to do, is lift my hands to you...Take all of my life,take all of my life and make somthing beautiful. I'll open my hands, and trust in your plans, to make something beautiful. So all will see Your work in me as You make something beautiful.
When i'm tiered of pretending and i can't recall my lines. I say i'm barley breathing, Lord You say i'm doing fine. I'll admit there is a yearning for the hurting to subside, but not at the risk of missing what you're doing in my life.
All i know to do, is lift my hands to You. Take all of my life, and make something beautiful. I'll open my hands and trust in your plan to make something beautiful. So all will see Your work in me as you make something beautiful.
The lake water gently lapped the stoney shore. I sat listening as it made a soothing "wosh" sound, my eyes were closed, my head lifted so the sun could warm my face. It was beautiful, the sun was setting, the water was calm and it was like all of nature was quieting itself with me.
The log that i sat on suited as a seat as i sat bible open, journal in lap, and pen in hand. I had just sat through a grief session, at the Break Thru confrence. I had thought i would feel more, i thought i would feel something stir in me. But my soul was silent, my emotions, were more exhausted then anything. These seasons in my life, as Wanda had talked about, had passed quickly, they seemed to all run together into a blur. Always seeming to leave me feeling like "whoa what just happened" and then suddenly i would be in another what always seemed to be overwhelming season, where i was caught up with the next big thing. But had i ever grieved the seasons past? Had i ever stopped and recoginzed my wounds, looked down and cried, screamed, felt anger and remorse for these bleeding wounds? The wounds had now scared over. They now no longer bled, i had worked hard to make them stop, i had worked hard, to harden my heart and avert my eyes from looking at them. Refusing to let myself grieve them. It only showed weakness if I did. It only acknowledged that someone or something had hurt me bad enough for me to stop and give it second thought. I couldn't bring myself to acknowledg it, or for it to be ok to feel those emotions, that was just out of the question. I just kept moving, it was too over whelming to let myself feel the heaviness of those hurts, of those seasons past.
One of the things we were asked to do in our few hours of grief journaling, was to sit and ask God what was the root to these wounds, and allow God to bring back to us memories, images, thoughts of this. And we were then to grieve that season, that you recieved those wounds in. But I just sat numb. I sat with my walls comfortably built around me,they were built around my heart. I would allow myself however to peek over the wall, and claim in a loud voice..."God i forgive them! I forgive those who caused my wounds, and i let them go!" But i never allowed myself or God to take down the walls, these walls that were built for protection.
As i sat there at the edge of the lake my stubborn mind and heart, argued with God, i already forgave these people, i already forgave myself, i don't need to go back and re-visit these things. But as i sat in this stubborn silence, God began to bring back memories i had long forgotten about. Images of people and situations i had no idea were the reson for some of my deep wounds. I tried to stop them, and explain them away, but God just brought more emotion to them. Before i knew it i had silent tears just streaming down my cheeks. In my mind i looked down and the wounds that had been scared over were now open and bleeding. All i could do was cry.
I cried for my wounds, i cried for the hurt, i felt pain and furious anger. And for the first time i let the hot angery tears flow, and i let myself let God begin to take bricks off of my walls.
My own voice brought me back to what was goign on around me. I found i was verbally saying the phrase, " i forgive..." whover it was that i had felt had wounded me. I had to verbally say it to actually be able to release it. I had said it so many times before to myself, and to God, but i had always been standing behind a wall, but now that wall had been taken down. And it was just me acknowleding it out loud.
The image that God brought to me was, bricks strune all around, and me standing in the middle of it. Arms hanging at my sides in submission, eyes closed, wounds on my body bleeding, and my lips moving in a silent prayer as i forgave those who wronged me, and forgave myself completley for building these walls around me. It is then that Jesus was able to touch my bleeding wounds and heal them, it is only because that wall had been broken down, could he come and do as he had desired to do for so long.
I never understoof the importance of grieving a season until that day. I had been too scared of my own emotions and what i would have to feel in that grief. But I realized it's ok to feel all of those things, because only when we make ourselves vulnerable enought to feel those and open up, can God come and truelly be allowed to heal these wounds and make the season that are to come better. Because it is then that we are not carrying anything into that next season with us. And we can reach complete peace and contentment.
I just stared at the little faces that gazed back at me with these big smiles, smiles that could melt any heart. As i stared at my computer screen alone in my office i felt the tears start welling and my throat choke up, the reality hit me that i was starring at the smiling faces of children that had seen more heart ache and more devistation then i could even begin to comprehend. Their faces were encrusted with dirt, you could see it was in their hair on their cloths, they were thin with melnurishment, but they were smiling. These sweet little children are affectionatly, and rightly so, referred to as the "children of the dirt".
These are the orphans of Nsoko, they were born in dirt, live in dirt, eat dirt when hungry enough and die in dirt. These are the innocent lives that have been racked with pain and hoplessness due to the AIDS epidemic that has sweeped through Swaziland, South Africa. These little angels are starving for food, attention, love and life, they are starved for hope.
I have never been to Swaziland, i have never walked with these children, or had the oppertunity to scoop them up and love on them with everything i have.And yet just reading their stories, reading on what is happening in Swazi, i feel my heart breaking, and this amazing love for them and their country just growing. i can't explain how it happened, but i have fallen in love with people i have yet to meet.
For those that don't know, Swaziland is in a crisis. The AIDS epidemic is running ramped , 44% of the population is HIV positive, making it THE most AIDS infected country in the world. The population fell from 1.1 million two years ago to less than a million! This means that people are dying faster then they're being born! The life expectancy is 28 years old, 28...we here in the US at this age have just really started living our lives, and these desperate people aren't living to see it. Due to this there are over 100,000 orphans, one hundredthousand can you even begin to wrap your brain around that one, i know i can't. My heart breaks when i see just one child sick, or in need of love, but there are thousands of them sleeping in the dirt tonight with out arms to hold them. Even more heart brekaing is the fact that 70% of these children will be HIV positive by the time they are 15 years old, and only 1 in 10 children will make it to the age of 30. If this is not a reason to grieve, i don't know what is.
BUT there is HOPE. I know, it doesn't seem like it, but as Mother Teresa showed in her work in Calcutta with the leper's, she was not there to prolong life, but to allow people to live out what ever time they had left, with someone loving them, singing and laughing with them, being Jesus to them. This is what we can do for these little souls, and for the women and men that are affected by this disease. We also are given the hope to see the epidemic stop with oppertunities to raise awareness and teach prevention, to save those who have not been exposed to this disease. There is HOPE! Jesus brings hope, there can be a light that peirces the dark places.
I didn't know what my true passion was, until i saw these faces, and that was when God awakened my heart for these little angels and for the hopeless hearts of the grieving mothers. For the longest time i didn't understand the calling God had placed on my heart years ago, when I had silently sat in a pew in a church turned training house in Kensington Philidelphia. It was there i heard Gods speak so clearly i could of sworn He was sitting there with me as he whispered, "I have called you to be my servant." i remember feeling this incredable joy just filling every corner of my being. I had a purpose, He had spoken into that, but then came the questions, "what does that mean?", "aren't we all called to be servants?" God lead me time and time again throughout the years to Isaiah 6:8; "Whome shall I send? Who will go as a messanger to these people? Who will go for us? I said, Here I AM. SEND ME." I felt from the moment my eyes glided over those words that these were spoken to me. These words meant something so significant to me personally. I felt it so much that i had Isaiah 6:8 tattooed onto my neck! crazy i know. I knew that this was the scripture that would define my destitiny in Christ. But it wasn't until last week when He showed me this passage again, and i saw the smiling, dirty faces in my mind, that i heard deep with in something say "be my messanger to these people. Be my servant."
I am saying "here i am! send me!" not only to the orphans of Swazi, but to the broken hearted hopeless hearts all around the world. This is what it is to be a servant. I finally understand. I am to be Jesus with skin on to these people. I am to bring Him to them.I am to bring His hope.
Mother Teresa is such an inspiration to me. She was the most, in my opinion, amazing servant figure of our century. She did nothing out of her own strength, or out of her own love. Someone once said to her, " i wouldn't do what you do for a million dollars." and she answered, "neither would I." What a response! I can only imagine a soft smile on her lips as she loving looked back at this person, and genuinely felt every word.
I know that this is my calling. This is what God is asking of me, to take a step of faith. To go where ever it is that He calls me. And for the moment my calling is to love without condition the ones that stole my heart, these little angels with dirty faces.
"We can do no great things, just small things with great love. it is not how much you do, but how much love you put into doing it." Mother Teresa
Why do we fear silence? We seem to find every way to fight against it, music, t.v, phones. We find every reason not to stay still for long, only in moments of sleep do we maybe find this silence. I'll admit that I fear silence, i fear that stillness, cause for me its in those moments God begins to speak to my heart, and at times i'm not sure i'm ready for what He has to say.
But as i've been living in community, i'm realizing how much i miss those oppertunities for silence. Here i have so many reason to never sit in silence. There is always someone to talk to, or watch a movie with or there is always some where to be. There are millions of prayers i have lifted up for myself and others around me but have never stopped to listen. As the days have gone on i've felt the need to be in silence, the need for stillness. I finally took the oppertunity the other morning for this silence i had long been seeming to run from. As i sat down and shut my eyes, i let out all the air in my lungs, a long exhale almost as if i was trying to let go of everything that was whirling around in me, everything that was heavy on my chest. And in that moment of submission, i felt my heart slow as i let the silence take over, and it was beautiful.
In 1 Kings 19:11-13 it talks about Elijah going out to the mountain to stand before God. There are three great happenings, but the Lord was not in them...then suddenly there was a "gentle whisper". God didn't come to Elijah with great display or in a loud booming voice, but in the wind, in a gentle whisper. This is how God works...this is how He has worked in my life, as of recently:)
I always expect God to answer me in some great display. I get frustrated when i "don't hear his voice." but do i ever think to stop and be in silence enough to hear that whisper. Sure i think about it, but doing it, not so much. I just keep going. Knowing that if i really stop and listen i'm gonna get an answer and i'm not always sure i'll be abl to handle it, or believe it. But when i finally broke down and sat in silence i heard Him answer things i had almost forgotten about that i had asked, i had forgetten what troubled my heart because i had filled my life with so much else to push it down.
Since being in GA i have confronted alot of things that i thought i had let go of. Past failures, past guilt and unforgiveness. I know that there is a reason all of these "resolved" issues are surfacing. And i realize these are things that i'm afraid to be still about, to let the whisper come to me in that still silence. But as i sat on the couch i felt somehting in me say to get up and get my "Come Away my Beloved" daily devotional. When i opened it up the page that was staring at me was titled "I joy over You." As i began to read i felt the whisper let me know these were His words written to me:
"At a great price i redeemed you because I have always loved you. When i planned this i foresaw you lost in sin and i loved you, chose you, and set my heart upon you. Rather then struggling to comprehend the working of my sovereignty, accept it, and rejoice in it! Draw near to me without spoiling the preciousness of our fellowship with shadows of self-condemnation."
When i heard these words i just sat back in amazment. These were the words i was needing to hear at that moment. It was in this silence i found what i needed for Him to continue breaking my heart, so it is more moldable, so He could continue His work. It was in silence i found my answer, it was in this silence i understood a little more of what He wanted for me, for the first time in a long time, the silence was beautiful.
