The lake water gently lapped the stoney shore. I sat listening as it made a soothing “wosh” sound, my eyes were closed, my head lifted so the sun could warm my face. It was beautiful, the sun was setting, the water was calm and it was like all of nature was quieting itself with me.
The log that i sat on suited as a seat as i sat bible open, journal in lap, and pen in hand. I had just sat through a grief session, at the Break Thru confrence. I had thought i would feel more, i thought i would feel something stir in me. But my soul was silent, my emotions, were more exhausted then anything. These seasons in my life, as Wanda had talked about, had passed quickly, they seemed to all run together into a blur. Always seeming to leave me feeling like “whoa what just happened” and then suddenly i would be in another what always seemed to be overwhelming season, where i was caught up with the next big thing. But had i ever grieved the seasons past? Had i ever stopped and recoginzed my wounds, looked down and cried, screamed, felt anger and remorse for these bleeding wounds? The wounds had now scared over. They now no longer bled, i had worked hard to make them stop, i had worked hard, to harden my heart and avert my eyes from looking at them. Refusing to let myself grieve them. It only showed weakness if I did. It only acknowledged that someone or something had hurt me bad enough for me to stop and give it second thought. I couldn’t bring myself to acknowledg it, or for it to be ok to feel those emotions, that was just out of the question. I just kept moving, it was too over whelming to let myself feel the heaviness of those hurts, of those seasons past.
One of the things we were asked to do in our few hours of grief journaling, was to sit and ask God what was the root to these wounds, and allow God to bring back to us memories, images, thoughts of this. And we were then to grieve that season, that you recieved those wounds in. But I just sat numb. I sat with my walls comfortably built around me,they were built around my heart. I would allow myself however to peek over the wall, and claim in a loud voice…”God i forgive them! I forgive those who caused my wounds, and i let them go!” But i never allowed myself or God to take down the walls, these walls that were built for protection.
As i sat there at the edge of the lake my stubborn mind and heart, argued with God, i already forgave these people, i already forgave myself, i don’t need to go back and re-visit these things. But as i sat in this stubborn silence, God began to bring back memories i had long forgotten about. Images of people and situations i had no idea were the reson for some of my deep wounds. I tried to stop them, and explain them away, but God just brought more emotion to them. Before i knew it i had silent tears just streaming down my cheeks. In my mind i looked down and the wounds that had been scared over were now open and bleeding. All i could do was cry.
I cried for my wounds, i cried for the hurt, i felt pain and furious anger. And for the first time i let the hot angery tears flow, and i let myself let God begin to take bricks off of my walls.
My own voice brought me back to what was goign on around me. I found i was verbally saying the phrase, ” i forgive…” whover it was that i had felt had wounded me. I had to verbally say it to actually be able to release it. I had said it so many times before to myself, and to God, but i had always been standing behind a wall, but now that wall had been taken down. And it was just me acknowleding it out loud.
The image that God brought to me was, bricks strune all around, and me standing in the middle of it. Arms hanging at my sides in submission, eyes closed, wounds on my body bleeding, and my lips moving in a silent prayer as i forgave those who wronged me, and forgave myself completley for building these walls around me. It is then that Jesus was able to touch my bleeding wounds and heal them, it is only because that wall had been broken down, could he come and do as he had desired to do for so long.
I never understoof the importance of grieving a season until that day. I had been too scared of my own emotions and what i would have to feel in that grief. But I realized it’s ok to feel all of those things, because only when we make ourselves vulnerable enought to feel those and open up, can God come and truelly be allowed to heal these wounds and make the season that are to come better. Because it is then that we are not carrying anything into that next season with us. And we can reach complete peace and contentment.
